Lisa. The Dead, Imaginary Friend.

by Duncan The Writer

This is my new blog.

Dude Where’s My Carnage? was getting a bit tiresome. Superheroes are a difficult thing to write about, while still managing to stay entertaining; and I thought, a New Year, a new blog. Get a fresh start and all that jazz. I’ve been struggling to figure out what to blog about. Making weird, delicious foods in the kitchen (I wouldn’t have been able to right that much on how Nutella and Banana Hand Pies are super average. Spoiler Alert!) Doing something I’ve never done before (which, surprisingly enough, has been done before) and, well; plain just writing about shit that happens at college all day.

But I’ve finally decided(I think), that it’s going to be webpages I Stumbleupon. Not just things with cat gifs, and dogs pooping on babies. These are going to be pages that I find intriguing, interesting, and insightful (try saying that three times fast). If you don’t know what Stumbleupon is; well, you shouldn’t call yourself an internet user. If you’re one of those people that doesn’t know what it is, and strive to be someone who is at the forefront of trending fashions, you can visit What the website does, once you’ve signed up and selected a few interests of yours, is that it finds websites and pages that you could be interested in. All these pages are added by current users, as they troll the internet in search of porn, cheap flights, and the closest place to get a pizza.

While Stumbling this month, I found a page that was about a little girls diary. The girl must have been about five or six years old. In the diary she describes, and draws, her imaginary friend, Lisa.

“This is Lisa. She is my friend. My mom and dad don’t see her, so they say she is my imaginary friend. Lisa is a nice friend”

Lisa is honestly the most fucked-up imaginary friend I’ve ever seen. It’s not like I haven’t seen this kind of stuff before; but that’s always been in horror movies and series. It’s quite a lot creepier when it’s a little child that doesn’t really know what they’re doing. They don’t know the meaning of it. Well I wouldn’t be able to give a psychiatric diagnosis on it, but I know that seeing an imaginary friend that looks like Lisa, is probably not a good thing. One of the other reason’s that this is creepy as all hell, is that anyone over the age of sixteen has watched movies like “The Shining” or “The Omen”. Those movies have planted a ‘terror gene’ in our brain. From then on we know what messed up shit people are able to do, or create. A six year old hasn’t reached that point yet. She shouldn’t be able to even conceive those kinds of images; unless she’s seen them somewhere before.

My favourite thing about the drawings is that everything looks all happy and cheerful. There’s a sun, little flowers and trees, and then BAM, there’s Lisa who looks like she crawled straight out of “The Exorcist.”

“Today I tried to plant a flower in the yard. I tried to plant it by the sandbox, but Lisa said that is where her daddy is sleeping, so I planted it in a cup of dirt.”

Now, the unfortunate thing (for this little girl’s parents), or fortunate thing (for me writing this, and my readers), is that this little girl goes on adventures with Lisa. Not like a knight slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress; no, this is way more messed up than that. Apparently Lisa’s dad was buried in this little girl’s garden(that kinda sounds like the name for a disgusting porn flick.) There are two things wrong with that. 1. Why don’t this kids parents know that their garden is part graveyard? 2. Why is Lisa a ghost, and not her dad? (At this point I’m going to assume that Lisa’s a ghost, who has been mistaken as the little girls imaginary friend. The reason being that the little girl doesn’t know any better.)

“Lisa is at school with me today. I brot her for show and tell, but Mrs. Monroe got mad, because she can’t see her. Lisa got sad, so she hid the chalkboard eraser.”

Can you see Lisa’s feet in this picture? Exactly. Duncan: 1. Internet: 0.

“Yesterday was my birthday party. Mommy bought pizza, but no one came. Lisa said people came to the porch and left. But they left presents. I got 3 barbies, a pair of shoes, and five dollars. Me and Lisa played barbies.”

If this little girl’s parents do in-fact know about the grave, then we could assume that they put it there. Either they murdered Lisa’s dad and buried him in their garden, or he was somehow related to them (and they’re secretly stealing his pension.)

“Mrs. Monroe is absent today, our substitute is named Mrs. Digman She is pretty, and nice, and she is letting us have snack time after diary time I wish Mrs. Digman can stay our teacher.”

Try to remember that earlier on in the story, Mrs. Monroe got angry at the little girl for bringing Lisa for show and tell.

“Today Jonnathin Parker stole my pencil pack. Mrs. Digman can’t find it, so she made him give me his pencils. Lisa came to school too, but Mrs. Digman can’t see her. She said she beleives Lisa is real.”

“Yesterday, me and Lisa went on a long walk, until the moon came out. Daddy got mad and said Lisa is stupid and fake and she disapeered. Today Lisa didn’t come to school, but Mrs. Digman says that Mrs. Monroe won’t come back.”

Do you see where this is going? It seems that Lisa is very protective of this little girl. To the extent that whoever gets mad or angry with her, ends up disappearing.

“Daddy was at work all day, yesterday. He didn’t come home to eat dinner, today he is still at work. Mom packed me a pudding for lunch today. Pudding is my favorite”

“I miss Lisa, daddy is real busy at work, he didn’t come home at the weekend. Mom is mad at him. I want to write a letter for Lisa”

“Dear Lisa. I miss you. Please come back. I’m sorry when my daddy was mean. You are my best friend.”

“Lisa came back yesterday. She said sorry for leaving, and I told her my dad won’t come home from work. Lisa said him and Mrs. Monroe are both sleeping like her dad. I hope they wake up soon.”

When you started reading this, did you think it would get this messed up?

The unanswered question here is, why is Lisa the ghost? Surely it should be her dad? Unless she was murdered too. It’s very likely that the father could’ve killed Lisa. Then the little girls mom killed her husband, for killing her daughter, and buried them in her garden. (There’s a lot of killing in this.) She would’ve then re-married, and birthed Lisa’s younger sister. That would explain why Lisa is so protective of the little girl,and why she killed the little girl’s dad – she didn’t want him to harm her sister, in the same way she was. Why she killed Mrs. Monroe? Mrs. Monroe was a drag queen. Enough said.