Have the cows come home yet?

Cartoons, dinosaurs, parallel dimensions, and cows. These are the things I Stumbleupon.

Category: Uncategorized

8 Places You’ll Want To Go, But Can’t

When you think of places that are heavily guarded, what kind of places come to mind? Locations connected to the military is the first thing I certainly think of. And if you couldn’t think of anything, here’s a list of some of the most-well-secured places in the world.

  1. Fort Knox

Fort Knox is home to the US Bullion Depository; which sounds like a place where paranoid pirates would store their treasure. Instead of digging a hole, and marking it with an ‘X’, like normal pirates. What it actually is, is a storage facility for thousands of tons of gold, but, it is said to house important historical documents as well, such as the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carte. All of this is not only well guarded but also protected by a 22-ton blast door. That’s the equivalent to 5 elephants, 30 cows, 250 people, or 4,000 cats. I quite like the image of 4,000 cats being used to block the entrance to Fort Knox.

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  1. Area 51

This top secret air force base in New Mexico is guarded so well that no one can get in, and even flying over it is forbidden. Its home to anything related to UFOs and alien conspiracies. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. I still reckon it’s some guy with a really big property, which hates contact with the outside world. He just called it Area 51 because it’s 51 acres. Who knows how the whole alien thing started? Unless; it’s aliens living there!

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  1. Federal Reserve Bank in New York

It is said that roughly 25% of the world’s gold is stored here. With that much money to protect, it is no wonder that it would be extremely well guarded. The vault itself is eighty feet below street level and fifty feet below sea level, and the perimeter of the building is guarded by well-trained marksmen. And that’s also why they’re only number three on my list. I literally just did a Google search and all their security protocols came up. Well done New York. Well done.

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  1. Bold Lane Car Park

You won’t have to worry much about car thieves when you leave your car parked here. This car park (or parking garage) in Derbyshire, England is one of the safest places in the world. I’m not joking when I say that. It has been rated one of the most secure places in the world, and yes, it is an actual car park. You can’t get in unless you have a ticket indicating your exact parking spot. Then once your car is parked, it is protected by motion detectors and other alarms that will go off if someone messes with your car. If the alarm does go off, the whole place goes into lockdown mode. Who in the world would be parking here?

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  1. Tumen River

This river makes up part of the boundary between Russia and North Korea and also snakes down into Chinese territory. Within a mile, you can go from North Korea, through China and end up in Russia, which makes this a good place for those wishing to defect. As such, it is generally well guarded by North Korean soldiers. Unfortunately I haven’t got much more to say about this one. It’s a river. Rivers are boring.

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  1. Korean Demilitarized Zone

If you’ve always thought that North Korea and South Korea liked each other, then here’s where I get to prove you wrong. The Korean Demilitarized Zone is a strip of land dividing North and South Korea. It is one of the most heavily guarded borders in the world, stretching 160 miles in length and 2.5 miles in width. Because of the high defence surrounding the border, people rarely dare to cross it, and as such, it has become a nature preserve. Which no-one can ever go and see. Or you’ll be shot. On site. Probably. If you didn’t believe that North Korea and South Korea don’t like each other, then now you should.

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  1. Haven Co

Haven Co was a data-protection company located in the North Sea off the coast of Britain. The only people ever allowed in were authorized personnel, investors, and members of Britain’s royal family. However, it allegedly shut down in 2008. Set into the middle of the North Sea, there was no way you were getting into this place. What data was stored here, and why it suddenly shut down, no-one knows. Except the people I mentioned before. They probably know.

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  1. Cheyenne Mountain

The Cheyenne Mountain complex was, at one point, the command centre for the North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) and U.S. Space Command missions. It is so well guarded that the tunnel is protected by solid reinforced granite. NORAD has since moved its operations to another location. That’s all good and interesting, but I want to know if the name is in anyway related to Cayenne Pepper. Am I the only one who’s wondering that?

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These are just a few of the many well-guarded locations around the world, and all for good reason. Though for some, that reason may be a bit more mysterious than others – Cayenne (Pepper) Mountain for example.

Word Count: 878

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Two Disneyland Rollercoasters, and Six Unnerving Faces

When I think of Disneyland, I think of a place where all my favourite childhood movie characters come together to entertain the young and old. But it’s not all candyfloss and silly string. Like any amusement park, especially when it’s as big as Disneyland, there are bound to be accidents and mechanical problems. Disneyland does a good job of keeping these problems to a minimum, but there’s always a few exceptions. Sometimes it’s not Disney’s fault at all, but rather the visitors not listening to basic guidelines put in place to keep them safe. Sometimes it’s hard to protect people from themselves.

One of the first deaths at Disneyland was in 1964, on the Matterhorn Bobsleds. But before I tell you what happened, you have to know what the Matterhorn does. I didn’t know either so I had to do a quick web search. And according to Disney’s Wikipedia page;

“The Matterhorn is an attraction composed of two intertwining steel roller coasters. It is modelled after the Matterhorn, a mountain in the Swiss Alps. It is the first tubular steel continuous track roller coaster ever constructed.”

I had no idea what any of that meant, until I found this picture:

matterhorn-bobsleds-00

The expression on their faces has been the same ever since. They shall forever be enthusiastic about everything.

This pretty much sums it up. It’s a Rollercoaster that’s designed to look like you’re travelling down a mountain in the Swiss Alps. I assume the cars are meant to be the bobsleds.

I should’ve designed this ride. If I was going to call something the Matterhorn Bobsleds, I would’ve made sure that visitors were flown to the Swiss Alps, given a bobsled (made of wood. With splinters) and had a firm push down the mountain side. How would they get back you ask? That’s for them to figure out. It’s about the adventure. Now that I think about it, it may not have been the best idea for me to work at Disneyland.

Let’s get back on topic. In 1964, a 15 year old boy decided to unbuckle his seatbelt as the ride reached the top of the mountain. Seatbelts are there for a reason. Why? Because after he stood up, he lost his balance, fell from the car and landed on the track below. He fractured his skull and a few of his ribs, causing internal injuries. He died three days later.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why you wear a seatbelt. One death not good enough for you? Well guess what, the same thing happened again in 1984. Due to the same problem. Someone unbuckling their seatbelt while on the ride.

The second death at Disneyland wasn’t necessarily caused by a visitor, but more the fault of a ride operator. In 1979, a 31 year old woman was riding Space Mountain; I don’t know what that is either. Back to Wikipedia!

“Space Mountain is a space-themed indoor steel roller coaster in Tomorrowland at Disneyland. Walt Disney originally conceived the idea of a space-themed roller coaster for Disneyland following the success of the Matterhorn Bobsleds.”

I don’t know how they classified the Matterhorn Bobsleds as a success. You would assume that if someone died, it would be less of a win for Disney? I suppose 15 years is long enough for the majority of people to forget about it. Ask anyone at Disney and they’d likely say,

‘You’ve got to break some legs to make an omelette.’

Wait what?

‘I said eggs. Got to break some eggs to make an omelette.’

Or maybe they’re all playing Rollercoaster Death Bingo? Get 5 deaths on a different rollercoaster in a row and you get a prize.

space-mountain-00

We like to think that they were all drinking something when the ride started, and weren’t able to close their mouths because of the speed.

We’re going to assume this photo is an accurate description of what Space Mountain looks like on the inside. See all those blurry lights? They’re trying to make you think they’re travelling at the speed of light. Well the ride is called Space Mountain for a reason.

That photo may explain why a 31 year old woman died on this ride. Apparently she became sick and was unable to exit the ride at the designated area. Well it wouldn’t be realistic if you didn’t experience zero gravity, and throw up your lunch. The car she was in was supposed to be removed from the track, but a ride operator wasn’t aware of the situation, and started the ride again. When she eventually arrived at the unloading area, she was semi-conscious and was taken to the hospital where she died a week later. The doctors later determined that she had died of “natural causes.” A tumour on her heart had dislodged and travelled to her brain. And once again, the fault didn’t rely on any mechanical problem, but rather on the fault of a person.

In the end, if you don’t want to help someone win Rollercoaster Death Bingo, pay attention to the guidelines and safety regulations. It’s really not that hard.

Word Count: 782

4 Special Forces That’ll Make You Shit Yourself

Each country has its own Special Forces unit. Each one trained to be as badass as possible. They come equipped with their own set of armour, weapons and tactics.

  1. Taiwan Special Forces

Look at these guys! They look like the cavalry from hell. Those masks are in fact meant to act as ballistic face protectors. Something similar to a bulletproof vest. But for your face.

It makes you wonder how well they actually work though. If you’re wearing a bulletproof vest and you’re shot in the chest, the bullet wouldn’t necessarily piece your skin but you’re still going to end up with a few broken ribs. Now imagine having the same thing, except for your head. You won’t die instantly, but you’re still going to end up with a cracked skull. Can you imagine that? Thinking that you’ve shot one of the enemy (in the head!), but no, he gets up and carries on running at you. Zombie soldiers! The only thing scarier than zombie soldiers, is Nazi zombie soldiers.

But maybe they’re not meant to be only for practical uses. What if they’re worn as a form of camouflage? They would look like ghosts at night. They would be almost invisible. That’s why most Special Forces soldiers wear camouflage paint on their faces. Too blend in (sounds obvious I know.) But it rubs off, and you can still see facial movements. Not with ballistic face masks from hell!

  1. Peruvian Army Special Forces

These guys take camouflage to a new level. Painting a skull on your face has the sole purpose of scaring people shitless. Unless they’re trying to hide in an underground catacomb. But then their helmets and weapons would be a dead give-away.

Speaking of which, if you notice the guy in the middle of the picture (the one without skull face paint) he’s holding an RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade) with a holographic sight. If you don’t know why this is extremely stupid and a bit of a fail, I’ll explain. (Prepare yourself for something that could be long and boring.) Holographic sights are meant for assault rifles. Weapons that work well for both long and short range. They have scopes so you can see targets further away than you normally would; making them easier to shoot at. A RPG is a rocket. You’re not looking for pin-point accuracy. You looking to blow a hole in that building that’s right in front of you. Or that big ass tank that’s rolling towards you. (Phew, that wasn’t too boring. Was it?) Even though that chump looks like a complete idiot; an idiot with a RPG is still scary as all hell.

   3. Danish Special Forces (Huntsmen Corps)

Executioners. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I see these guys. The Jægerkorpset as they’re known in Denmark, are composed of only 150 highly trained soldiers. They specialise in counter-terrorism, demolitions, parachuting, combat swimming, infiltration, sabotage, and reconnaissance. If you search badass, a picture of these guys pops up (Don’t actually go search – I lied.) But they’re as hardcore as a guy dressed as Darth Vader playing the Star Wars theme song on flaming bagpipes, while riding a unicycle. And yes there is a video of some guy doing that (Google it. I’m not lying this time. I promise.)

Their slogan, “Plus esse, quam simultatur” which is in Latin, translates to “More to be, than to seem.” This basically means that their capabilities are more effective if no-one knows about them. But doesn’t that apply to every Special Forces unit? If people know what their tactics are, or what they’re about to do, the point of their purpose becomes void. They’re meant to be secretive and sneaky; except when they’re blowing shit up. But then you only find out they’ve blown something up, after it’s happened.

  1. Russian Special Forces

The Russians have always been proud of their special forces. The common name that many people, nowadays, know them by is the Spetsnaz. The public used to know very little about them, until loads of state secrets were disclosed under the glasnost (openness) policy, enforced by Mikhail Gorbachev during the late 1980s.

Now they try to keep their missions secret, and unheard of. Mainly infiltrate and eliminate. That explains why the guy with the LMG (Large Machine Gun) has a huge suppressor on the end of it. Some people may wonder why I used the term suppressor, instead of silencer, and I’ll tell you why. There is no such thing as a silencer. You can’t silence a gun shot. You can suppress the sound of it, but you can’t make it completely silent.

Well on that bombshell (see what I did there), that’s my rant for the month. Until we write to each other again (don’t write to me. I won’t write back.)

Word Count: 831

Dinosaurs in a Modern Society.

This may be a little old for some, but I think it’s still fun and cute.

The story about two parents who liked to create a sense of magic and wonder for their young children. Every year, the parents would dedicate the month of November to making their kids believe that their plastic dinosaurs would come to life. These figures would get up to all sorts of mischief and mayhem.

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Those naughty dinosaurs.

Too this day, one of my favourite movies is still Toy Story. All my friends grew up watching Disney movies similar to it. Monsters Inc. The Lion King. I suppose that’s why there were so many teenagers watching Toy Story 3 in the cinema when it came out. Those movies were our childhood. We would reminisce about them, remembering all the great times we had watching them.

Too this day, one of my favourite movies is still Toy Story. All my friends grew up watching Disney movies like it. I suppose that’s why there were so many teenagers watching Toy Story 3 in the cinema when it came out. Those movies were our childhood. We would reminisce about them, remembering all the great times we had watching them.

That’s probably why, when I found out about what these parents had done, I sort of wished that my folks had done the same thing for me. It adds that little bit of magic to a kid’s childhood. And when you grow up and look back, you wish you had never grown up as quickly as you had.
People always tell little kids to cherish their childhood. Because it doesn’t get any easier when you grow up. You get to do what you like, fair enough, but with that comes responsibility. It’s a double edged sword. On one hand you’ve got some freedom, but on the other you have to start looking after yourself. Looking after yourself costs money. That means you need a job. Now you need to pay tax. It’s an endless cycle of responsibility, bill paying, and work. If you’re in primary school, and that killed your dreams for the future, it’s okay. You get to drink too.

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Duncan Scarrott. Beer drinker. Dream killer.

Let’s get back to dinosaurs causing mayhem.

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When dinosaurs start re-enacting ‘Return of The Mummy’, it’s time to get a lock for your bathroom.

When you grow up, you lose the magic in your life. There’s an explanation for everything. A card trick becomes the misdirection of the eyes. A movie is just actors and computer graphics. And toys are just little plastic figures. You become bored of it. It doesn’t grab your attention anymore. That’s why when you know how something works, it loses the mystery behind it.

We live in a world that’s controlled by technology, and sex appeal. 13 year old kids are running around with iPads, listening to Dubstep, and dressing like hipsters. They’re losing their imagination. They’re being influenced by social media and celebrities who died of drug overdoses.

Computers and TV don’t create imagination. They force feed you with dialogue, visuals, and sound effects. That’s why reading is so beneficial. You have to do some of the work. You don’t just have to sit there and take it all in. You have to imagine what’s happening in the story. It also increase your vocabulary, which is a plus. That’s why the younger generation seems to speak like they’re always on a cellphone.

“Lol, w0t u doing 2nite???”
“L2m n hmwrk. LOL!”
“LOL! YOLO! Dnt do hmwrk. U cn get it dne 2mrw!!”

I still maintain that YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

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Dinos having a foam party – nothing better.

The parents even gave their kids a reason to do the dishes.

“If dinosaurs can do the dishes, so can you.”

It would’ve been cool if they dressed them in astronaut suits. The dinosaurs, not the children.

Parents like these are simply trying to create a gap between a world where every question can be answered with a simple web search, and their children. Maybe that’s why things such as Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny were created. To help children keep their innocence. To add some magic to this dirty world we live in.

Word count: 715

Lisa. The Dead, Imaginary Friend.

This is my new blog.

Dude Where’s My Carnage? was getting a bit tiresome. Superheroes are a difficult thing to write about, while still managing to stay entertaining; and I thought, a New Year, a new blog. Get a fresh start and all that jazz. I’ve been struggling to figure out what to blog about. Making weird, delicious foods in the kitchen (I wouldn’t have been able to right that much on how Nutella and Banana Hand Pies are super average. Spoiler Alert!) Doing something I’ve never done before (which, surprisingly enough, has been done before) and, well; plain just writing about shit that happens at college all day.

But I’ve finally decided(I think), that it’s going to be webpages I Stumbleupon. Not just things with cat gifs, and dogs pooping on babies. These are going to be pages that I find intriguing, interesting, and insightful (try saying that three times fast). If you don’t know what Stumbleupon is; well, you shouldn’t call yourself an internet user. If you’re one of those people that doesn’t know what it is, and strive to be someone who is at the forefront of trending fashions, you can visit stumbleupon.com. What the website does, once you’ve signed up and selected a few interests of yours, is that it finds websites and pages that you could be interested in. All these pages are added by current users, as they troll the internet in search of porn, cheap flights, and the closest place to get a pizza.

While Stumbling this month, I found a page that was about a little girls diary. The girl must have been about five or six years old. In the diary she describes, and draws, her imaginary friend, Lisa.

"This is Lisa. She is my friend. My mom and dad don't see her, so they say she is my imaginary friend. Lisa is a nice friend"

“This is Lisa. She is my friend. My mom and dad don’t see her, so they say she is my imaginary friend. Lisa is a nice friend”

Lisa is honestly the most fucked-up imaginary friend I’ve ever seen. It’s not like I haven’t seen this kind of stuff before; but that’s always been in horror movies and series. It’s quite a lot creepier when it’s a little child that doesn’t really know what they’re doing. They don’t know the meaning of it. Well I wouldn’t be able to give a psychiatric diagnosis on it, but I know that seeing an imaginary friend that looks like Lisa, is probably not a good thing. One of the other reason’s that this is creepy as all hell, is that anyone over the age of sixteen has watched movies like “The Shining” or “The Omen”. Those movies have planted a ‘terror gene’ in our brain. From then on we know what messed up shit people are able to do, or create. A six year old hasn’t reached that point yet. She shouldn’t be able to even conceive those kinds of images; unless she’s seen them somewhere before.

My favourite thing about the drawings is that everything looks all happy and cheerful. There’s a sun, little flowers and trees, and then BAM, there’s Lisa who looks like she crawled straight out of “The Exorcist.”

"Today I tried to plant a flower in the yard. I tried to plant it by the sandbox, but Lisa said that is where her daddy is sleeping, so I planted it in a cup of dirt."

“Today I tried to plant a flower in the yard. I tried to plant it by the sandbox, but Lisa said that is where her daddy is sleeping, so I planted it in a cup of dirt.”

Now, the unfortunate thing (for this little girl’s parents), or fortunate thing (for me writing this, and my readers), is that this little girl goes on adventures with Lisa. Not like a knight slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress; no, this is way more messed up than that. Apparently Lisa’s dad was buried in this little girl’s garden(that kinda sounds like the name for a disgusting porn flick.) There are two things wrong with that. 1. Why don’t this kids parents know that their garden is part graveyard? 2. Why is Lisa a ghost, and not her dad? (At this point I’m going to assume that Lisa’s a ghost, who has been mistaken as the little girls imaginary friend. The reason being that the little girl doesn’t know any better.)

"Lisa is at school with me today. I brot her for show and tell, but Mrs. Monroe got mad, because she can't see her. Lisa got sad, so she hid the chalkboard eraser."

“Lisa is at school with me today. I brot her for show and tell, but Mrs. Monroe got mad, because she can’t see her. Lisa got sad, so she hid the chalkboard eraser.”

Can you see Lisa’s feet in this picture? Exactly. Duncan: 1. Internet: 0.

"Yesterday was my birthday party. Mommy bought pizza, but no one came. Lisa said people came to the porch and left. But they left presents. I got 3 barbies, a pair of shoes, and five dollars. Me and Lisa played barbies."

“Yesterday was my birthday party. Mommy bought pizza, but no one came. Lisa said people came to the porch and left. But they left presents. I got 3 barbies, a pair of shoes, and five dollars. Me and Lisa played barbies.”

If this little girl’s parents do in-fact know about the grave, then we could assume that they put it there. Either they murdered Lisa’s dad and buried him in their garden, or he was somehow related to them (and they’re secretly stealing his pension.)

"Mrs. Monroe is absent today, our substitute is named Mrs. Digman She is pretty, and nice, and she is letting us have snack time after diary time I wish Mrs. Digman can stay our teacher."

“Mrs. Monroe is absent today, our substitute is named Mrs. Digman She is pretty, and nice, and she is letting us have snack time after diary time I wish Mrs. Digman can stay our teacher.”

Try to remember that earlier on in the story, Mrs. Monroe got angry at the little girl for bringing Lisa for show and tell.

"Today Jonnathin Parker stole my pencil pack. Mrs. Digman can't find it, so she made him give me his pencils. Lisa came to school too, but Mrs. Digman can't see her. She said she beleives Lisa is real."

“Today Jonnathin Parker stole my pencil pack. Mrs. Digman can’t find it, so she made him give me his pencils. Lisa came to school too, but Mrs. Digman can’t see her. She said she beleives Lisa is real.”

"Yesterday, me and Lisa went on a long walk, until the moon came out. Daddy got mad and said Lisa is stupid and fake and she disapeered. Today Lisa didn't come to school, but Mrs. Digman says that Mrs. Monroe won't come back."

“Yesterday, me and Lisa went on a long walk, until the moon came out. Daddy got mad and said Lisa is stupid and fake and she disapeered. Today Lisa didn’t come to school, but Mrs. Digman says that Mrs. Monroe won’t come back.”

Do you see where this is going? It seems that Lisa is very protective of this little girl. To the extent that whoever gets mad or angry with her, ends up disappearing.

"Daddy was at work all day, yesterday. He didn't come home to eat dinner, today he is still at work. Mom packed me a pudding for lunch today. Pudding is my favorite"

“Daddy was at work all day, yesterday. He didn’t come home to eat dinner, today he is still at work. Mom packed me a pudding for lunch today. Pudding is my favorite”

"I miss Lisa, daddy is real busy at work, he didn't come home at the weekend. Mom is mad at him. I want to write a letter for Lisa"

“I miss Lisa, daddy is real busy at work, he didn’t come home at the weekend. Mom is mad at him. I want to write a letter for Lisa”

"Dear Lisa. I miss you. Please come back. I'm sorry when my daddy was mean. You are my best friend."

“Dear Lisa. I miss you. Please come back. I’m sorry when my daddy was mean. You are my best friend.”

"Lisa came back yesterday. She said sorry for leaving, and I told her my dad won't come home from work. Lisa said him and Mrs. Monroe are both sleeping like her dad. I hope they wake up soon."

“Lisa came back yesterday. She said sorry for leaving, and I told her my dad won’t come home from work. Lisa said him and Mrs. Monroe are both sleeping like her dad. I hope they wake up soon.”

When you started reading this, did you think it would get this messed up?

The unanswered question here is, why is Lisa the ghost? Surely it should be her dad? Unless she was murdered too. It’s very likely that the father could’ve killed Lisa. Then the little girls mom killed her husband, for killing her daughter, and buried them in her garden. (There’s a lot of killing in this.) She would’ve then re-married, and birthed Lisa’s younger sister. That would explain why Lisa is so protective of the little girl,and why she killed the little girl’s dad – she didn’t want him to harm her sister, in the same way she was. Why she killed Mrs. Monroe? Mrs. Monroe was a drag queen. Enough said.